Apple to employ hit squad to seek out and kill any and all users of iPhone version 5 and older.

Along with all of the announcements regarding the new features of the iPhone 7, such as the dual camera, the  water proof housing and the internal headphone jack, executives at Apple are happy to announce that in order to keep on the cutting edge of technology they will be taking drastic measures to ensure that all of their users remain at the top of the wireless communication food chain.
Realizing that not every iPhone user has the means to afford the latest version, Apple has opted to once again “think outside the box” and has turned to Darwinism in order to strengthen the overall quality of the average user by eliminating any users of an iPhone generation 5 or lower.iphone-7
Don’t worry folks, they’re not planning on canceling your service, they have instead employed highly trained and experienced hit squads to begin seeking out and exterminating the outdated phone users.
Many users of the older versions of the iPhones have been experiencing certain “glitches” in their operating systems since the announcement of the version 7. Technicians at Apple assure their users that it is merely a geo tag locater being secretly uploaded to ensure the efficient elimination of the outdated user. The operating system shall return to its normal functionality until the hit squad finds you and eventually kills you. So keep those Instagram selfies coming as this campaign gives a whole new meaning to the hashtag “shot with an iPhone 5.”
Executives at Apple are hoping that this initiative will tone down any of the rhetoric about the missing headphone jack.