The four time NFL Super Bowl champion New England Patriots are no strangers to controversy, whether it’s the “Tom Brady is a better Quarterback than Peyton Manning” debate, or the spy-gate scandal. More recently the Patriots have come under scrutiny over the deceptive use of a players eligibility as a passer that resulted in a game changing touchdown in a divisional round playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens; as well as the use of under inflated footballs to aide in the teams handling of the ball in their AFC Championship win over the Indianapolis Colts.
Sources inside the NFL today confirmed that this “witch-hunt” was about to take on a more literal meaning as accusations that the New England Patriots unprecedented success, spanning nearly two decades, has been a result of the Head Coach Bill Belichick’s practice of witchcraft. Officials cited the coach’s clairvoyant-like ability for exploiting the weaknesses of opposing teams as probable cause for launching the investigation.
Former Patriot wide receiver, Wes Welker claims to have seen the coach handling what appeared to be a Peyton Manning voodoo doll with a needle protruding from its neck in close proximity to the time when the real Peyton Manning’s season ended with a neck injury. ” I asked coach, I said, ‘coach did you make Peyton’s neck hurt like that?’ and coach said back to me, ‘don’t ask questions Wes, just do your job Wes and let me do mine,'” said Welker.
When asked to comment on the situation, Belichick said he would give the investigating team his full cooperation, however, the coach did not completely deny the allegations stating that, “it’s a matter of religious freedom, not a football matter. No one seems to have a problem if a coach leads his team in prayer before a big game, so why should they have a problem if a coach has a ceremonial goat slaying at the house or should I say ‘Colt slaying’ at the house. Ha ha.”
When asked to comment about the possibility of Belichick being a warlock, Quarterback Tom Brady smiled and jokingly stated, “it would be out of the ordinary to see Coach wearing a black hooded robe, after seeing him in his trademark grey hoodie all these years, but I can picture it.” Brady went on to say, “there’s no place in the rule book stating that you can not practice witchcraft. They should go home and read their rule books.”