University officials encourage incoming female students to use “roofies” to their advantage

roofie or be roofiedAs September approaches, universities across the country prepare for thousands of returning upperclassmen, as well wide-eyed novice freshmen. Administrators and advisers yearn to ease the students back into the swing of a rigid curriculum after a whimsical summer of part time jobs and endless sunny beach days. Many of their concerns are logistical regarding finding adequate student housing, delivering an informative orientation program, helping newer students navigate massive sprawling campus grounds, and most importantly providing student safety.
Rebecca Beth Rosen-Thayer, department chair of Women’s Studies at Fitchburg State University in Massachusetts, will implement a groundbreaking new initiative in order to decrease the amount of female students that fall victim to date rapes in the upcoming semester year.
In a press conference she stated, “we have titled this program ‘roofie or be roofied‘. After decades of sexual assaults on female students being ignored by the majority of our patriarchal administrators, we have decided to arm women on campus with the same weapons that males have often used against us. We have had enough, it is time that we fight fire with fire. Any female that is at a fraternity or student gathering that feels unsafe around a male student will be encouraged to dose the male with Rohypnol to render him unconscious and ineffective against her. Tablets of the drug as well as ample literature will be available to any and all female students at the women’s studies center on the east side of the campus.”
We interviewed several male students at Fitchburg State  to see what they thought and Brian McLaren of the Delta Phi Omega fraternity was very impressed with the initiative stating,  “I was hanging out with this girl the other night and based on how she was dressed and acting I determined that she was totally asking for it and my buddies were really going to ride me if I didn’t close the deal. Luckily, she got the drop on me and roofied me before I had the chance to corner her someplace isolated and force myself on to her. When I finally came to I did feel a little bit violated, but the more I thought about it, I realized that statistically one out of every five date rapists is convicted, I could have been that one. If not for this girl suspecting of my predatory nature, there’s a twenty percent chance that I could be facing a prison sentence.”